So, I’ve been dealing with some shit lately that has made me depressed. Not even depressed, more like despondent and functionally catatonic. I feel like I’m caught in a trap, of sorts. I want to go out into the big, wide world and try to make it in my chosen dream profession, which is technical theatre. I have put in the years of work. I’ve made something beautiful out of nothing. I have the skills necessary. I have made the required sacrifices. I have my degree in hand, my resume rocks, and I should be able to just go. But, no.
My poor boyfriend is scared. He’s scared about not making enough money to pay for his jeep, and losing it. He’s scared about leaving his friends behind (that’s another thing, I have no friends here in this town. They all left the nest and went out into the world without me. I’m the last one stuck here.), he’s scared about failing, as the only people he’s ever seen try to leave always come back. But, that’s the thing. The ones that come back are talentless bums. They lived on someone’s couch, expected some job to be handed to them that eventually fell through, and then came back when their money ran out. The ones that leave never come back. They get new lives and are happy. He’s only heard horror stories from the losers of this struggle.
Where this fight started was at the beginning of our relationship, three years ago. He fell in love, but I told him that I was only going to be in town for a few months. At the time, I did not care about staying to complete school, I was a good designer, and the last class I needed I could take online. I was done with school, and done with this town. Three fucking years ago! But, he didn’t want to leave, and he didn’t want me to leave him. So he made me fall in love with him. And I did. A month after our first date, I interviewed for a job at Santa Fe Opera. I was appalled to learn that most professional theatre companies only pay employees a certain amount of money a week, which is pretty small. They give the employees room and board as compensation, but that would mean that Micah would have to live on his own, in whatever town I go to work in. So I declined the job. I didn’t want to lose him. He knew he had me after that. But, as anyone who gets exactly what they wanted learns, they can stop trying after they get it. We moved into an apartment together, and pretty much right after that, he stopped showing affection to me. I called him out on it, and we got into our first fight. Nothing’s changed much, since then, except that we go through this viscous cycle of I get depressed, he hates that, confronts me about it, I tell him that it’s the same thing it’s always been, I want the hell out of here, we fight, he tells me that we just need to make plans, and save enough money, and that’s it’s so hard because we’re poor, blah blah blah blah blah. He says I’m being distant and he just wants his bubbly girlfriend back. And then he’s really really affectionate for, like, a day. And I quiet down, and stop complaining for a while, until I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy, and it starts again.
And, so, because of this, I am stuck at a stupid fast-food job, that leaves me tired all the time and with repetitive motion injuries, that does not compensate me with enough money to save up to leave. It’s not even saving up to leave. I could just leave, fill up the tank with gas, and go as soon as I have a job lined up. That doesn’t take much money, that’s just Micah trying to arm himself against his own fears. I don’t want another job in this town, especially not one that I can “make the best of” that’s just something to hold onto in fear. I don’t want to make the best of a bad situation, I don’t want to find the good in this. You want to know why? Because that’s how people become complacent. I can make the best out of any bad situation I want. I’ve done that all my life. Abusive situations, bullies, health problems, injuries, depression, being broke, being threatened, etc, etc. I’ve been through it all. But, this is what I know: when a person goes through a bad time like that, they keep looking for the end. But, because in my situation, I’m going head to head with someone’s fears, making the best of this situation will be my downfall. It will be my “oh it will happen someday I’ve just gotta keep looking up” while my boyfriend keeps trying to reassure me that we’re still young and have plenty of time. It doesn’t work that way. Being happy when there’s no reason to be happy, when being happy means being complacent, is counterproductive. It’s fake and serves no other purpose but to reassure the other person that I’ll eventually give up. I’ll get tired of bitching that I want to leave this town, and eventually settle for less. He thinks that I’ll be forever content after that to accept what little effort he gives me. That we’ll sit there and play video games all day, and then go off to our respective jobs. I’ll settle into some crappy office job. Consider my creative license to mean typing up reports and picking out accessories to go with my fitted pastel cardigan. Give our future children acting lessons and false hope for the future that they can be anything they want to be, they just have to work hard for it….
 And, so, I will stay miserable. I will stay miserable until Micah either mans up and swallows his fears, or I man up and just leave him. That’s really what I should do. I can’t have my dreams, and instead I have a man who only gives me enough incentive to stay miserable.