January 29, 2010

• The Man Scarf

  So, my genius boyfriend shaves off his beard the day before a winter storm. This morning he was complaining a bit about how how much it sucks that his face will be hairless for, like the next twenty-four hours until his beard re-spawns spontaneously. I suggested a scarf. Micah, being the super-studly tough guy that he is, vetoed that idea with not a moment’s hesitation. In fact it was so fast that I didn’t even have to say the words, “How about a scarf” he just psychically knew and pounded his fist into the wall, causing the floor to buckle a bit. Then I got an idea. See, winter wear is very limited, in that it can only look a certain way before it becomes ineffective, inconvenient, or just makes the wearer look homeless. In this case, there are two, maybe three (only if I count knitting him a new beard out of yarn made from bear-fur, but that’s possibly illegal and time-consuming for someone who’s only going to need it for a day, tops) ways to properly cover the face of a man: a scarf, or a ski-mask. Ski-mask is out, since my lover could get shot by a well-meaning gas-station clerk who believes himself to be in mortal danger just doling out cigarettes. The only solution is a scarf. But there is no real scarf for men. There’s something like this….

  
  But that’s for men who shop in boutiques for shoes and talk about their feelings. No real man should ever endure this. My thoughts: there needs to be a real man’s scarf. Made from farm-grade heavy duty burlap. Sewn with the entire circulatory system of a fallen moose. Two-inch metal spikes protruding from the material that says “stay the fuck away from me, I’m cold”. That would be something men could wear with pride.

  • 3:59 pm
  • 3 Comments