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angelwingfive
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Name: Rachel
Location: Hot Springs, Arkansas, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing. Reading - anything I can get my hands on. Music. Hiking. Anything outdoorsy really. Looking at the stars (you would not believe how into astronomy i am). And i love coffee more than i should. I like shopping in used bookstores and art-supply stores and I love looking at art although I am horrible at it, except for basic layout and calligraphy. Well, I sculpt too. And photography. So I just contradicted my own statement. Being in theatre makes me ecstatically happy. So I guess you could say I am a typical raging bohemian. I like cussing unapologetically. I like doing things that shock people and seem entirely out of character for me. Sometimes I love God. Right now we are mutually seeing other people. I love being so far behind on fashion that i'm actually ahead. I like making people laugh. I like arguing. I like building things. I like cool-aid. I like the fact that i was a geek long before it became popular. Oh, yes, and I've also taken up dumpster diving. Much fun to try.
Expertise: Why even ask that question? Hmmm... let me think... I am really good at getting into trouble. And getting other people into trouble. But I'm also the master of getting out of trouble in record time. I am the master of double speak. And paranoid conspiracy theories. The game of tete-a-tete is one of my favorites. And being invisible, or in some cases just "unassuming". I have sulking and being shady down to an artform. And if my life ran like an action movie I would be the FUCKING MASTERMIND!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  angelwingfive
ICQ:  191-693-493
Member Since:
11/5/2004
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| So, I've been dealing with some shit lately that has made me depressed. Not even depressed, more like despondent and functionally catatonic. I feel like I'm caught in a trap, of sorts. I want to go out into the big, wide world and try to make it in my chosen dream profession, which is technical theatre. I have put in the years of work. I've made something beautiful out of nothing. I have the skills necessary. I have made the required sacrifices. I have my degree in hand, my resume rocks, and I should be able to just go. But, no.
My poor boyfriend is scared. He's scared about not making enough money to pay for his jeep, and losing it. He's scared about leaving his friends behind (that's another thing, I have no friends here in this town. They all left the nest and went out into the world without me. I'm the last one stuck here.), he's scared about failing, as the only people he's ever seen try to leave always come back. But, that's the thing. The ones that come back are talentless bums. They lived on someone's couch, expected some job to be handed to them that eventually fell through, and then came back when their money ran out. The ones that leave never come back. They get new lives and are happy. He's only heard horror stories from the losers of this struggle.
Where this fight started was at the beginning of our relationship, three years ago. He fell in love, but I told him that I was only going to be in town for a few months. At the time, I did not care about staying to complete school, I was a good designer, and the last class I needed I could take online. I was done with school, and done with this town. Three fucking years ago! But, he didn't want to leave, and he didn't want me to leave him. So he made me fall in love with him. And I did. A month after our first date, I interviewed for a job at Santa Fe Opera. I was appalled to learn that most professional theatre companies only pay employees a certain amount of money a week, which is pretty small. They give the employees room and board as compensation, but that would mean that Micah would have to live on his own, in whatever town I go to work in. So I declined the job. I didn't want to lose him. He knew he had me after that. But, as anyone who gets exactly what they wanted learns, they can stop trying after they get it. We moved into an apartment together, and pretty much right after that, he stopped showing affection to me. I called him out on it, and we got into our first fight. Nothing's changed much, since then, except that we go through this viscous cycle of I get depressed, he hates that, confronts me about it, I tell him that it's the same thing it's always been, I want the hell out of here, we fight, he tells me that we just need to make plans, and save enough money, and that's it's so hard because we're poor, blah blah blah blah blah. He says I'm being distant and he just wants his bubbly girlfriend back. And then he's really really affectionate for, like, a day. And I quiet down, and stop complaining for a while, until I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy, and it starts again.
And, so, because of this, I am stuck at a stupid fast-food job, that leaves me tired all the time and with repetitive motion injuries, that does not compensate me with enough money to save up to leave. It's not even saving up to leave. I could just leave, fill up the tank with gas, and go as soon as I have a job lined up. That doesn't take much money, that's just Micah trying to arm himself against his own fears. I don't want another job in this town, especially not one that I can "make the best of" that's just something to hold onto in fear. I don't want to make the best of a bad situation, I don't want to find the good in this. You want to know why? Because that's how people become complacent. I can make the best out of any bad situation I want. I've done that all my life. Abusive situations, bullies, health problems, injuries, depression, being broke, being threatened, etc, etc. I've been through it all. But, this is what I know: when a person goes through a bad time like that, they keep looking for the end. But, because in my situation, I'm going head to head with someone's fears, making the best of this situation will be my downfall. It will be my "oh it will happen someday I've just gotta keep looking up" while my boyfriend keeps trying to reassure me that we're still young and have plenty of time. It doesn't work that way. Being happy when there's no reason to be happy, when being happy means being complacent, is counterproductive. It's fake and serves no other purpose but to reassure the other person that I'll eventually give up. I'll get tired of bitching that I want to leave this town, and eventually settle for less. He thinks that I'll be forever content after that to accept what little effort he gives me. That we'll sit there and play video games all day, and then go off to our respective jobs. I'll settle into some crappy office job. Consider my creative license to mean typing up reports and picking out accessories to go with my fitted pastel cardigan. Give our future children acting lessons and false hope for the future that they can be anything they want to be, they just have to work hard for it....
And, so, I will stay miserable. I will stay miserable until Micah either mans up and swallows his fears, or I man up and just leave him. That's really what I should do. I can't have my dreams, and instead I have a man who only gives me enough incentive to stay miserable.
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| Do ants live in the ant hills made of silt or do they live under the ground? Turns out, learning this by accident, painfully, that ants dig the tunnels underground, and the hill is just the leftover dirt, that protects the horde of crazy, vengeful, stingy ants when you step in their hole.
Can hens have chicks if something besides a rooster pecks them on the neck? I'm still waiting for a kick-ass Homing Pidgken.
Why can you smell the rain? Plants let go of their remaining water so they can soak up fresh water under the correct barometric conditions, and because it's poetic.
What keeps grass roots form dying in the winter? Dormancy. You'll soon learn that all life needs periods of dormancy to keep themselves protected...
Why can't you help who you fall in love with? You can help who you fall in love with, you just can't help who you feel attracted to. Those that fall in love for the sake of falling in love do so at their own peril. Love is a choice, one that opens you up to all manner of folly.
Does anyone else hate watching MTV? MTV does not exist anymore, it was taken over by cyborgs. The 80's and 90's were an experiment to see if young people would respond to countercultural cues without hitting full-on rebellion. It didn't work, so they just switched to bad pop music to pacify the masses.
Does every guy from the country have to be a redneck? They don't, it's just that in the wasteland of humanity, all the intelligent humans GTFO, and the idiots stay, because they know that that is the only place they can survive in their ignorance and low-brow misogynistic humor.
Why are all the party rock bands dead? They partied too hard. Cocaine is a hellova drug. That, or they found Jesus. Jesus likes to kill the party a lot.
What's the deal with Japan infilltrating America? It's not infiltrating, per se, just being superior. They pick up as many American things as we pick up Japanese. Have you ever seen J-Goths? Sort of creepy and cute at the same time.
Why do some people learn better writting then by listening? Because writing requires you to listen with your eyes, and you have to pay attention to what you're doing. Were you high when you wrote this?
How come our brains only remember patterns? Left-Brained weirdness. It's a conspiracy from hell.
And you can not think in pictures? I think in pictures all the time. Where have you been?
Does everyone feel lonely sometimes, even when they're not alone? It's that nagging feeling that all humans, ultimately, die alone. I personally like the feeling of being lonely.
How come when you appologize it seems as if they've already forgiven you? Because... well... I dunno. Maybe short of completely fucking someone over, there is nothing that can be done, that cannot be undone if the other person is mature enough to understand that you're a human that makes mistakes.
Why do the damn cowboys have to park all done the road? Because they're retarded.
Why are certain things "unacceptable"? Immature humans cannot stand chaos, or anything that "threatens" them, because they are weak and believe that only when they are completely safe that they will find peace. Peace, however, is found in chaos, and trying to hold control over everything will eventually drive you to the brink of psychosis.
If everyone is subconscience about their body, why do we have supermodels? Self-consciousness and self-hatred are two things that have been perpetuated by modern society. We have supermodels not because everyone is self-conscious, but we are self-conscious because we have supermodels. 100 years ago, unibrows and muffin-tops were not a problem, because the only vision of comparison we had to our own bodies were people who looked the same way. Now, we judge beauty on a different standard, that absolutely no one measures up to.
Why does all your friends turn out to be jerks? Because you don't know the difference yet between "friends" and "acquaintances". Every young person believes they must have an entourage to feel important. I'll never understand that. Lots of people around me just tends to make me feel drained and anxious.
Why, If, How, Does,Can? Because, Because, Because, Because, Only if you define this for yourself.
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| I caught a cold from drinking tequila after someone else. And then I almost caught my bathroom on fire with a candle and a well-placed stack of paper. In the same night. And then I made soup and painted. These are the things that make life worth living, but that sometimes I don't have time to do.
I made another Bunny video with Ian, but the character of Ambre Sashley is almost becoming too well-defined to be in a campy drag-queen schtick. Ian ran with the "psychic-supernatural-hunter" vibe, and carved a big peppermint stick into a dagger, and gave me opportunity to reply sarcastically to his scripted inquiries with "um, Christmas Vampires?". Holy Shit, I think I may have created a monster.
In other news, I got tired of carrying around my poetry books in my knapsack, waiting for inspiration to strike, while at the same time making it all-too-convenient to lose all my artwork and writing at once. So, my solution was to put my poetry books in a box, and fill my knapsack with blank paper and just a packet of pens, so that I can transfer everything and not have to worry about it. I think I'm more or less just worried about losing my writing again, after one book of poetry being stolen with my first backpack. I have one notebook almost full again. I just need to make more time to pour out my soul.
I think I'm going to fill my Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice time with wine and Asian food. That is, until I can find a properly fatted goose in the middle of ChickenFarmersParadise. Wait, that sentence will only make sense to people who live here. I shall just simply find a fatted goose and slaughter it. Merry Christmas To Me....
much love from the original wax-museum gangsta
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| I finished my sort-of-christmasey-but-won't-be-tucked-into-the-attic kick-ass mural for the holidays. I figured out that I have a weird habit of trying to hide birds in pretty much everything I do now, somehow. Like, to the point that that might just be my tattoo motif when I start the super-saturated inking process. Micah was right, one tattoo will lead to another, to another, to sleeving my whole skin in art.
One of today's purchases was a fingerprinting spy kit. It rocked my world, even though I haven't had a chance to use it yet. The inkpad, I know, will be used so that Micah can complete my fingerprint page in Notebook Number Two-oh. I did that damn thing five years ago, and left spaces for reasons I could not yet foresee. Those reasons are so that there will be two sets of fingerprints, two marks of intense, seething individuality, marked onto the something something I need sleep.
Oh, and this was sort of creepy, talking about my birthdate with almost astonishing accuracy.
Leos born on July 31 are natural trendsetters who have the ability to sway others to their way of thinking. They are creative, friendly, and full of great ideas. These folks never play it safe but put themselves out on a limb at every occasion in order to prove the worthiness of their positions. Friends and LoversJuly 31 natives like diverse friends because it gives them the chance to discover fresh points of view and life-choices. They are extravagantly romantic and are likely to have a tumultuous love life. They often seek out partners who are eccentric -- another indication of their interest in novel points of view. Children and FamilyJuly 31 people don't feel the need to conform to the traditions of their parents and siblings. They make liberal, but practical, parents. They're adamant about giving their children the freedom they feel they themselves missed yet understand that children also need a firm and guiding hand. HealthJuly 31 natives have great spiritual and inner strength, which has an effect on how they take care of their physical self. They don't see mind-body-spirit as separate entities but as a synthesis that needs to be constantly maintained for maximum health and contentment. Career and FinancesJuly 31 folks are highly creative and need to express their vision through their work. These aren't people who can work all day at a job they hate or are bored with, then come home and labor over the artistic project that's their true passion. They have to put their dreams on the line, and if that means having a tenuous financial base for a while, it's a tradeoff they'll make. Dreams and GoalsJuly 31 natives want to succeed, but not at the price of their deepest and most profoundly held beliefs. They don't like to make definite career plans because to do so can prevent them from taking advantage of the spontaneous choices that are bound to come along.
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APPEARANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[ ] i think im ugly most the time
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY
[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
SCHOOL/WORK
[ ] I'm in school.
[ ] I'm in college.
[ x] I have a job.
[ ] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x ] I almost always do my homework.
[ ] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[x ] I've stolen something from my job.
[x ] I've been fired.
EMBARASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x ] I've had my trousers rip in public.
HEALTH
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I have/had asthma.
TRAVELLING
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
EXPERIENCES
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[x ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x ] I've been in a play.
[x ] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x ] I've seen the Northern Lights
[x ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[ x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x ] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.
RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[x ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x ] I've gone on a blind date.
[x ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ x] I miss someone right now.
[x ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x ] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY
[ x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ x ] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x ] I've snuck out of my house.
[ x ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[ ] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[ x] I've woken up crying.
DEATH
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
MATERIALISM
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[x ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
RANDOM
[ ] I can't sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x ] I watch the news.
[x ] I don't kill bugs.
[x ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x ] I curse regularly.
[ x] I sing in the shower.
[x ] I'm not a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x ] I'm a snob about grammar
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x ] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[x ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ ] I am in love with love.
[x ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[ ] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x ] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message. (sidekick!)
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ x] I am really ticklish.
[x ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I play video games
[x ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x ] I'm good at remembering names
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are honest
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