There are certain compromises that have to be made when dealing with a herd of stampeding wildebeests.
I find it impossible to forget people, even when I would like to. When a person is forgotten, it's like a part of them ceases to exist.
Acrylic paint is much sexier than it seems at first glance.
Sometimes, it's just better to hum absentmindedly while someone rants insanity at your person.
The excited chatter of a high school basketball game over the radio sounds decidedly brainless.
A dream starring Axl Rose can cause the rest of your day to be highly... off-topic

I swear I didn't mean to be so gloomy when I sat down to write these, but the mood just suddenly struck me that way:

1) Vacant eyes scan my face
    Every movement, every slight gesture
    Calculated
    Crafted Carefully for the audience
    But through the cracks in the porcelain
    I can see your beautiful soul
    Swimming in sickness
    Sinking under some unseen force of apathy
    Drowning, dying slowly slowly
    My fingers feather your frozen lips
    I fade into the waiting crowd
    Heavy hearted
    Secretly wishing to be your medicine.

2) Black ribbons twist and float on the wind
    Darkness shimmers in the sunlight
    Beauty's subtlties betray silently
    Melancholy against bright blue sky
    How I am so easily captivated
    In this macabre pirouette.

Worked ironically well, actually. I've been on an odd mind-expansion kick lately, and wanted to see what the experience was like. And I don't know if it was some sort of nutso trick my brain was playing on me, but the low sodium Progresso I was eating, once I drank all the broth, started to taste somewhat Asian. Or maybe bamboo does that to everything...
Odd decision: Walking a mile and a half in freezing drizzle to get medicine. Bad decision: hauling ass as soon as the "walk" sign went up. Really bad decision: whatever I did to mess up my right hip. I didn't feel it until about twenty minutes ago when I woke up from my nap. Really really bad decision: not realizing that I didn't have my refill bottle or any identification until I was two blocks away from the pharmacy. Good decision: picking up junk food on the way back and watching Disney cartoons.

I found even more class notes while going through my notebooks, these were taken over the period of a year and a half, in three different classes, were not too far away from each other in the same notebook, and, once again, oddly flow together.

Set of Notes #1: From World Religions Class, probably sometime during the first week of classes.
 *What is Religion?
 - No one believes in "religion" because religion is an abstract concept, and yet it is a concept that we employ in a useful way. How this happens is that ti carries over into everyday life.
 - Religion (n): any set of beliefs involving a divine or supernatural power, attitudes, and practices.
        - Atheism is not a religion, philosophies are not religions because they don't follow these guidelines. A religion follows a divine or supernatural power.
Major problems faced by religions today:
 - Scientific criticism: most religions were laid down before the rise of modern science, and therefore has claims that are not consistent with scientific logic.
 - Philosophical criticism: the logical and moral findings of philosophical thought teach belief through reason and individual thought, which go against the process of worshiping  a divine or supernatural power.
*If the miraculous could be scientifically explained, it would no longer be a miracle. The reason why they're miraculous is that they can't be captured or broken down.
*Even if we could admit the existence of miracles, how could we pick and choose between what is real and merely claimed?
* Miracles are a universal of almost all societies and religions.
* Durkheim: the real/original basis of religions is society and nature. To the primitive mind, religion is about unseen forces, but most of those forces are social forces that push them into action. Their god is merely a symbol for the power of a group.
* Robert Bellah: schema in which world religions can be categorized in terms of evolution:
   1) Primitive Religion: does not have a sense of historical timeline, mythical characters are sometimes human or animal, no gulf between natural and supernatural, see the world as animated by supernatural forces, no divide between sacred and profane. Community members act out or are possessed by mythical creatures. Rituals help to reinforce clan ties.
   2) Archaic Religion: Mythical beings considered gods, rule over the world, must be worshiped in kind, fall under social hierarchy between this and the other world, men are subjects to gods.
   3) Historic Religion: involves literacy, opens the way for sacred texts. The sacred world is becoming more remote, cosmology becomes more important. Morality becomes a more important focus, both for gods and men. People are viewed as having an inner self, with morals, rituals, and beliefs necessary for personal salvation.
   4) Early Modern Religion: reformation of historic, this life and afterlife unseparate, salvation achieved in this life. This life is seen more as positive, something that has value, for its own sake. Revaluation of human existence. Hierarchy is taken down, religious life becomes much more democratic.
   5) Modern Religion: All church doctrine becomes individualized, open to interpretation. Search for meaning not even confined within the wal of the religion. Religious and social anarchy.

Set of Notes, #2: From Theatre History 2, discussing the Spanish Rennaissance play "Life is a Dream" by Pedro Calderón de la Barca
 - Rosaura: sympathetic antagonist, arrival prompts change in characters
 - Segismundo: wanted to kill Rosaura because she witnessed his shame.
        - Does not interact with any character except how he could control them/ dictate them/ destroy them, because he has no knowledge of life or of anyone outside himself. When alone, he gets very introspective:
"I dream that I am here/of these imprisonments charged,/and I dreamed that in another state/happier I saw myself./What is life? A frenzy./What is life? An illusion,/A shadow, a fiction,/And the greatest profit is small;/For all of life is a dream,/And dreams, are nothing but dreams."
 - Second encounter: tries to rape her
 - Third Encounter: embraces her as a sister/ ally.
 - When Segis embraces her, he becomes whole. Earth to Heavens, order restored.
         - "Sees the light" Literally and metaphorically.
         - Many of the characters named after celestial phenomenon.
 Clotaldo recognizes Sword of Rosaura, his child, whose fate was dictated by his abandonment as her dishonor, and understands how he is bound by family ties to protect his daughter.
Feminist moment: After Rosaura's meeting of Clotaldo and his torn loyalties keep him from helping restore her honor, instead of sighing "woe is me" she does it her own damn self.
At the end of the play, all debts are paid, and the elements of earth and heaven are restored.

Set of notes #3: From Theatre History 4, Speaking about theories on Absurdist Theatre:
* Father of Modern Drama - Henrick Ibsen
* Existentialism: there is no ultimate meaning to existence. Intellectual movement that came into popularity after WWII by the disillusionment of the Nazi atrocities, the nature and extent of the dropping of the atomic bomb over Japan and realizing the extent of destruction of human life. the absurdists figured after seeing all this that life has no meaning after all.
* No exposition or has false exposition: things are never as they appear, and the story within a play, if the characters exist or do not exist, is irrelevant because existence is futile, or something like that.
* Communication is impossible, or a farce. Nonsense, cliches, meaningless shallow acts of communication, repetitice speech (because of being physically or emotionally trapped), social and personal empty rituals.
* Circular plot structure, either implied or actualized: "This is a play in which nothing happens... twice.".
*Within the lack of meaning, ritual is repeated to yield the same result.

As a writer, inspiration hits me at odd times. And when it does, I keep my thoughts somewhat organized on the closest thing to me, namely, the collection of papers I keep stashed away for just such an emergency. I noticed that I had been losing some of those loose pieces of paper from the back of my bag lately when I jostled it, or walked quickly or whatever, so I decided to forever immortalize (or at least until the internet goes extinct) these thoughts by posting them here:

Some of the papers had just a short jot on them, such as
 - The names "Mario Savio" and "Bob Newwirth" (I think those had to do with a band or an underground movement I was reading about in the library)
 - A Shopping List of random things that actually went together for a really yummy meal: Green onions/Ginger/Dark Seaseme Oil/ Plastic Bags/Kiwi/ Spongecake Dessert Cups/ Honey
 - A list of words I wrote down as part of a language game I play to keep up my lexicon: Nordne Pesme/ Figurative Enallage/ Parallel Encadamiento/ Intended Connotations/ Mocking Symbolism/ Bombastic Propensity/ Quidquid Crimsonite/ Predicating Existence/ Elaborating Serenity/ Heirophant Tattermedalion/ Protagonist Prosopopoeia/ Cudgel Kunstlied
 - Simply the words "Terror Incognita" at the top, like a title to something I never finished and don't remember, but am intensely intrigued by.

I wrote a few short lines, both inspired by the same, um, mood.
 - The men that invade my thoughts while I bring myself to hot, throbbing orgasm are merely a collection of disembodied fantasies, rough wandering hands, low, soft, silky voices.
 - Sex has become disenchanted, where mystique has been replaced by vulgarity. We are no longer sensual creatures making soft beds and shattering the cosmos ever-so-slightly, but body against body, selling pre-packaged pink fornication and using the climax of orgasm as human currency.
 
I have no idea when I wrote these, but I actually finished poems:
 - Saturn chases the moon/ In the lens of my mental telescope/ Orbed elliptical satellites/ Are drawn by the charms of gravity/ To dance slowly, succintly/ In the shadowed distance. / I only question this/ Celestial Attraction/ Unspoken in the starlight/ Scientific Universals offer/ Perfect logic to my soul/ But tonight, midnight canopy/ Plays its magic, and/ Somehow all the sky diamonds/ Seem to glitter just for me.
 - Can I calm the clouds/ A dark gray nimbustratus/ Push back the thunderbolts/ And appease the clashings/ To still until the air stops/ Shaking in heavy fever? / I/ Wonder/ Can I pass the wind's/ Howling anger/ Until I can better/ Orchestrate/ A swirling mass of/ wet ferocity/ At the fingertips/ Of my upraised hand?? Can I make the rain wait until/ Tomorrow?/ I'd like to scream in silence/ Tonight.

And then, last but not least, there is a monologue, I can tell roundabouts when I wrote it because of the pointed statements I was making. My intended never recieved this, but since these words are pretty much the same sentiment I could use for every guy who has ever attempted to get close to me, I'm sure I'll probably write something like this in the future for some hapless suitor:
 - What I'm saying is that you were a tourist in the life of Rachel. True, the gratification you sought was more intellectual and less physical than most of the men who have travelled this path, but that doesn't change the facts. And this attempt to let me down easy with all the "you're a wonderful person" nonsense is only making things more confusing for me. You have nothing to be sorry about. This is how my life works. You did everything you were supposed to do. I was the one who messed things up by letting my heart get carried away. We can "move on" as you call it, but please, give me a little time. I'm quite resiliant, but I'm not superhuman.

2009 finds me at my apartment alone, in a skirt and bra, listening to 100.3 The Edge's top 100 countdown and talking to Kristen over MSN. Not where I had originally planned to be for the night, but I think it's okay. For the first time in my life, I am honestly turning down a chance to be drunk and crazy. This year has been a paradox in my life. I've been through the best and the worst moments ever, grew up a lot, but at the same time learned to embrace my inner child, and I made some really kick-ass friends. I did a lot of writing and a lot of art. I discovered new music. I blossomed sexually and socially by choking back the romantic side of my nature. I let a few people in on my secret dark side. I bought an expensive video camera I don't use. I got into a lot of philosophical arguements. I became less awkward and more mysterious. I witnessed a lot of humanity, a lot of politics, and a lot of global violence through my looking glass of CNN, and became just a bit more cynical than I should be. But at the same time, passionate about the world around me. I liked that part the best. I have to wonder, though, how much the changes in my life really matter in the long run. Or that maybe it matters the whole world. I guess I'll be able to answer that question in the coming year.

This could have just been a quick review, but looking at it five years later, it just strikes me as ironically flowing together somehow.

1) Elements of the soul: reason, spirit, desire
2) Three positions thinkers of morality take
         - Deny that the variation exists in cultures despite appearances (this one was marked out for some reason)
         - To push a universal norm for justice, morality, etc.
         - Insist that some moral principles are true and other supposed principles are false, no matter how many people believe them.
3) Categorical Imperative: a command that orders us to do something unconditionally.
4) Kantian: only do what is universal good
    Utilitarian: greatest happiness for greatest number
5) Four elements of Utilitarianism:
        - An actor to perform the act
        - A situation, a set of given circumstances under which the act will be performed
        - An end result that the action is directed towards bringing about
        - Rules or standards which govern the selection of means to ends
6) What Karl Marx means by alienation:
        - What happens to men and women who labor under capitalism
7) How does social contract explain legitimacy of state?
        - In society where people have to follow the rules to participate in that society, the state is the central force in the society
8) What did Karl Marx think would be achieved through revolution:
       - Overthrow the system of ownership of the means of production
       - Replace system of production for profit in the marketplace by system of production for the satisfaction of human means.
       - Capitalist system of distribution through the market would be replaced by a rational and humane system of distribution for human need.
9) What is James Madison's objection to pluralist theory:
      - That the interest groups would only be interested in the interest group's needs.
10) What is the pluralist theory opposed to social contract?
      - Pluralist theory: each citizen belongs to a certain group, and that one person never fights for their rights as an individual but as a member of a certain group.
     - Social contract: a voluntary, unanimous agreement among all the people of a society to form themselves into a united political community and obey the laws the leaders pass.
11) Discuss the objections Plato makes to Art (are they reasonable, Aristotle's rebuttal)
     - Plato says that art blurs the distinction between appearance and reality
     - To a certain extent it is reasonable, because art sometimes in some ways makes things that are destructive seem graceful.
     - Aristotle argued that claim by saying that artists have the ability to grasp the universal that lies within the particular, and to present it to us in such a way that we achieve a greater knowledge than we would otherwise have.
12) What would Tolstoy think about Beethoven's 9th Symphony as art?
     - Since Tolstoy thought that common subjects objects were best because they brought more people together, Beethoven's symphony, no matter how emotionally driven and pleasing to the ear, only appealed to a certain class of people and would have been disregarded for something closer to folk music.
13) What is Herbert Marcuse's theory of art?
     - He says that great art is negative, destructive, irrational, and therefore a valuable element in human life.

Simple, abstract, but too deep and philosophical for a mixed audience. The candle burns, sputters, melts down into a pool of wax. The candle signifies everything and nothing at the same time. The candle is not the only one on stage, of course, but it steals the show. There is nothing but the candle. There is nothing but the flame. There is nothing more important than those few moments of fire and light. Or perhaps nothing is there at all...

Um... so, merry Christmas a day late?
Question: why are there winter songs, such as "Frosty the Snowman" and "Winter Wonderland" that are deemed Christmas-season-only songs, but are winter songs, and there are three more months of winter after Christmas? Hmmm... perhaps it is better that I do not know the answer to that.
In my parents' house currently, I am barely better than a hobo. I sleep on a mattress on the floor with a space heater in the room. This makes me oddly happy. I might just  have the vagabond's soul yet.
Once again, I don't have much else to say. Too many people around, haven't had much chance to do art or write or read or really breathe. On the upside, I've been forced to watch so many episodes of House that I now think every phantom smell someone complains of is a sure sign that they have a brain tumor. That's a lot of fun.

I want to tell scary stories over an open fire. I want the people around me to feel the elements chilling their souls like my words. I want to burn marshmallows until the black charred sugar... nah, I just feel like scaring the Beejeesus out of people.
I've been thinking too much lately. And not in a good way. Like, neurotically building the spoon tower waiting for the fifth planet alignment thinking. If you ask me, I might tell you later.
Soon I need to take all the things I have observed about relationships and put all the thoughts together. If I were ever cornered, I could tell someone that I don't do relationships, but I couldn't really say why without rambling on and on about sociopaths and emotional attachment for about three hours.

Oooh, look pretty art...