I wrote this in fall 2003, in my first Creative Writing class, and is a re-write of something I wrote at age 16.

"She stops in front of the bench to the left side of the fountain. She stares into the gurgling water for a moment, then leans back onto the bench. The pencil behind her ear crashes to the sidewalk. She takes in every detail of the street corner, from the broken window on the second floor of an abandoned bar to the street light above her casting its harsh light more brightly as the dusk on the horizon fades. Nervousness hits her in another short wave. She takes off the ring on her left thumb and passes it from finger to finger, contemplating her next move.
She sees him as she gazes across the street. The long brown coat, the piece of paper crumpled in his fist. He leans against the door of the abandoned bar, glancing at his watch. He stares for a moment at the bench under the streetlight where she sat only minutes ago, then walks slowly to the fountain. He stops, deciding, then in one smooth motion drops the ring from his own right thumb into the fountain. Just as quickly as he appeared, he disappears into the darkness. She stares after him in disbelief. Is it really that simple? She takes two steps forward, takes the ring off her thumb, full of memories and broken promises, pulls a silver dollar from the pocket of her designer jeans, tosses both of them into the fountain, and simply walks away."

Sometimes people piss me off. Fakes. Liars. Cheats. Belligerent fools. Posers. The self-centered and the shallow. False smiles, opportunistic manners. Who the hell do these people think they are? I want to strike out at them in a rage. But there are so damned many of them. We're all a traffic jam of humanity, and it seems that everyone disregards the yield signs. They push and shove to get what they want, and for what? I don't think they even know.

Whenever a movie is written where cross-dressing is written into the plot, usually for reasons of keeping an identity secret, there is always some complication in the plot of fake gay attraction. And it always happens this way: the person (this doesn't matter with the gender of the protagonist) makes themselves not a man or a woman, really, but an extremely masculinized or feminized version of themselves, very broadly trying to prove that they're the gender they're pretending to be (looking at you Terry Griffith, you're not really one of the guys). Then as they're trying to accomplish the goal set up by the plot, two side plots emerge, regardless of the other circumstances: the character is chased by a member of their original gender, for guys it's usually an unattractive, unpopular, or just weak man who thinks the object of their affection is just playing hard to get; and then while that's going on, the protagonist falls for a member of the opposite gender and very awkward pseudo-gay moments ensue, until the protagonist has to reveal their true identity in some way because of this new attraction. Then everything falls into place plot-wise, even the attraction, at least after the protagonist apologizes for betraying the trust of the other person. It's so predictable now that it's a really really tired plot device, even though somehow it's still mildly funny, in a twisted way.

Saturday morning I had a feeling I haven't had in quite some time. I woke up with a stinging, sick headache, a sharp, heavy pain in my stomach, and inflamed sinuses. It was a reaction to MSG, and it got me good. I'm allergic, but usually I can tell within minutes if I'm going to be sick, but nothing happened all day Friday, so I just went about my day with no benadryl. But it pooled in my system and struck later. And even after those symptoms were gone, I still felt poisoned all day. It was odd. Then again I have to believe that on some level all food additives work like poison in our bodies, since they're not really something our bodies can process, and they have no purpose. And, if you really want to go conspiracy theory on this, there are probably many food additives that have no real purpose at all but are put there to slow us down and make us docile. I remember the few weeks at a time that I was a vegetarian, I thought much clearer than I ever did as an omnivore.

Discussion I had yesterday that was very enlightening for me in an odd way: what Disney princess (well, female character) I am. Answer: cross between Belle and Esmerelda. Never figured out why, though...

Current mood:argumentative

For every valuable genuine entity, there is a generic. An imitation, a forgery. Any conceivable noun (person, place, thing, idea) that is favorable or desirable will eventually have something ride in behind it and try to pass itself off as "just as good as the original" to try to win some of that favor, whether economic, societal, or existential. Sometimes it's beneficial, like a medicine with the same formula sold at a lower price because the manufacturers didn't have to waste money on advertising. But most of the time what it does it turn the original into a commodity and devalue it. What makes something valuable to humans is the balance of almost infinite complexity but possessing traits that make it instantly recognizable. Those traits are what the imitators seek out to use for themselves. And, unless it's in nature and an adaptation used for survival of the species, it's just really really sad. Big example that parked this rant: counterculture. Members of a certain subculture rag on people who enter that subculture for purposes of self-promotion without really understanding it, calling them posers. I personally feel sorry for them. To not own an identity and have to come up with a formula [black clothes + painful looking jewelery + icy stare + lots of candle burning + screaming music = goth] just to gain acceptance. (I use that example because goth was too scary to be huge back when it was popular, even under the influence of Marylin Manson, but nowadays anyone over the age of 40 who looks at kids who dress like punk or emo kids calls them "goth", much to their chagrin. Oops.) And those outside the counterculture don't understand why we get angry. The answer is very simple. Every subculture started out as a genuine movement, evolved in complexity, grew in favor until someone picked it up and started marketing to the general public. So what happened was this amazing thing got distilled down to four or five basic ingredients, sanitized for the protection of the easily offended, and shipped off to fifteen year olds who think it's the coolest thing in the world to be edgy. Wait, this had a point, didn't it? All things that are desirable are simple yet infinitely complex. Up to a certain point this complexity is what makes the thing amazing, until it becomes a formula and copied all to hell. Then because there are two where there once was just the original, the original loses value and complexity very quickly. The imitation is shiny, buy unbearably shallow.

This comes from the movie "The Great Dictator" when Charlie Chaplin's character, Adenoid Hynkel (Huh, sounds nothing like a parody to me...) makes his speech, at the very end of the movie. (copied from www.americanrhetoric.com/MovieSpeeches/moviespeechthegreatdictator.html)

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an Emperor - that's not my business. I
don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone, if
possible -- Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another;
human beings are like that.
We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery.
We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there's room
for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone.

The way of life can be free and
beautiful.

But we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men's souls,
has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and
bloodshed. We have developed speed but we have
shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our
knowledge has made us cynical, our cleverness hard and unkind. We think
too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More
than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities,
life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have
brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out
for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity
of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world,
millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system
that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear
me I say, "Do not despair." The misery that is now upon us is
but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human
progress. The hate of men will pass and dictators die; and the power they
took from the people will return to the people and so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers: Don't give yourselves to
brutes, men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives,
tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel; who drill you, diet
you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these
unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts! You are
not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of
humanity in your hearts. You don't hate; only the unloved hate, the
unloved and the unnatural.

Soldiers: Don't fight for slavery!
Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of Saint
Luke it is written, "the kingdom of God is within man" -- not one man, nor
a group of men, but in all men, in you, you the people have the power, the
power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people
have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a
wonderful adventure.

Then, in the name of democracy, let
us use that power! Let us all unite!! Let us fight for a new world, a
decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the
future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have
risen to power, but they lie! They do not fulfill their promise; they
never will. Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people!! Now,
let us fight to fulfill that promise!! Let us fight to free the world, to
do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and
intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and
progress will lead to all men's happiness.

Soldiers: In the name of
democracy, let us all unite!!!

Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever
you are, look up, Hannah. The clouds are
lifting. The sun is breaking through. We are coming out of the darkness
into the light. We are coming into a new world, a kindlier world, where men
will rise above their hate, their greed and brutality.

Look up, Hannah. The soul of man has been given
wings, and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow
-- into the light of hope, into the future, the glorious future that
belongs to you, to me, and to all of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up."

I feel achy, distracted. It's complicated yet oh-so-simple. I worry because another worries, hell, he's scared out of his mind, and this new level of concern on my part scares me for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't supposed to get close. I wasn't supposed to care. Well, guess what. And I don't know what to do.
On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream last night about stealing an upright piano from a nursery school, staying up in a hotel room singing with seven other people, and the piano, and then being chased by the cops for several miles in a huge van, with the piano tucked safely inside, and the chase wasn't even about the piano. Strange.

Flowers have a lot of meaning. They symbolize spring, newness, love, sex, death, the temporariness of existence itself. They are the best and most beautiful thing nature has to offer, and they are the procreation of a new generation of plants. They paint grace in a world that isn't so graceful. They represent beauty itself, and work a type of magic that soothes and heals our psyches and brings us to a place where we know and are open to the beauty of life itself. We as humans place a lot of importance on flowers, giving them at the most important times in our lives, using them as symbols of things we can't say with words. We decorate with flowers, give them as gifts, put them in our art and in song. We plant them in gardens row by row and marvel at wildflowers when we pass them in the forest or in a field.

Alstroemeria = Friendship  Amaryllis = Splendid beauty   Anemone = Anticipation  Anthurium = Hospitality  Aster =  Patience 
Birds of Paradise  = Joyfulness  Bouvardia, Double = Enthusiasm    Carnation = Pride and beauty Chrysanthemum =  Fidelity  Daffodil = Chivalry  Delphinium, Hybrid = Heavenly  Freesia = Innocence  Gladiolus =  Strength of character Heather = Admiration  Hyacinth = Constancy 
Hydrangea = Heartfelt  Iris =  My compliments  Larkspur = Levity  Lilac = Youthful innocence  Lily =  Majesty Orchid = A belle  Peony =  Bashful Protea, King = Daring  Queen Anne's Lace = Sanctuary  Ranunculus = Radiant  Rose = Love  Snapdragon = Desire  Statice = Remembrance
Stock = Lasting beauty Sunflower =  Pure thoughts  Sweet Pea = Delicate pleasure
Tulip = Declaration of love

But the flower is a two-sided type of symbol. Yes, it is beauty, but a fleeting beauty. It reminds us of impermanence. This makes them perfect for the most permanent of impermanence, which is death. Flowers grace us at the beginning of our lives, and at the end. They bring us joy, and soothe our aching hearts.

1. "War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that for yourself." - Unknown
2. “The experience of the irrationality of the world has been the driving force of all religious revolution.” - Max Weber
3. “When liberty comes with hands dabbled in blood it is hard to shake hands with her.” – Oscar Wilde
4. “Methods of thought which claim to give the lead to our world in the name of revolution have become, in reality, ideologies of consent and not of rebellion.” - Albert Camus
5. “The ultimate end of all revolutionary social change is to establish the sanctity of human life, the dignity of man, the right of every human being to liberty
6. and well-being.” - Emma Goldman
7. “Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.” – Kurt Tucholsky
8. "During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell
9. “It may be impossible to have a revolution without crimes but that does not make revolution a crime.” - Jose Bergamin
10.  “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives” – William James
11. “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, make violent revolution inevitable.” – John Fitzgerald Kennedy
12. “Whoever finishes a revolution only halfway, digs his own grave.” - Georg Buchner
13. “Every successful revolution puts on in time the robes of the tyrant it has deposed.” - Barbara Tuchman
14. “Revolution is not something fixed in ideology, nor is it something fashioned to a particular decade. It is a perpetual process embedded in the human spirit.” - Abbie Hoffman
15. “There is no revolution that can change the nature of man” - Benito Mussolini
16. “A great revolution in just one single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a society and, further, will enable a change in the destiny of humankind.” - Daisaku Ikeda
17. “A revolution is interesting insofar as it avoids like the plague the plague it promised to heal” - Daniel Berrigan
18. “Waste no time with revolutions that do not remove the causes of your complaints but simply change the faces of those in charge.” - Francesco Guicciardini
19. “The revolution you dream of is not ours. You don't want to change the world, you want to blow it up.” - Jean-Paul Sartre
20. “It is a revolution, and it can no more be checked by human effort... than a prarie fire by a gardener's watering pot.” - Judah Philip Benjamin
21.  “Revolutions are brought about by men, by men who think as men of action and act as men of thought.” - Kwame Nkrumah
22. “At the risk of sounding ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by feelings of love.” - Che Guavara
23. “Revolutions are celebrated when they are no longer dangerous.” - Pierre Boulez
24. “Every revolution has its counter-revolution - that is a sign the revolution is for real.” - C Wright Mills
25. “For a successful revolution it is not enough that there is discontent. What is required is a profound and thorough conviction of the justice, necessity and importance of political and social rights.” - B. R. Ambedkar
26. “I have always said that we did not expect a revolution in the streets.” - Robert Bourass
27. "The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unsuccessful one a criminal." - Erich Fromm

This picture/art has an interesting story, most of it borne in the clusterfuck I call a psyche.

So, I've been looking up things that have to do with "art is resistance" for the second edition of the inspiration notebook, which will later go in the movie (plus Kristen is obsessed with anything that even remotely has to do with Nine Inch Nails), and after going through indirectly all the censorship bullshit of "Assassins", I've been thinking more and more about art as revolution. Last night I stumbled on a site that talked about art being used as resistance in the past, and how in Nazi concentration camps the people in the camps would make up their own songs and poems and sometimes draw pictures when they could, to keep up morale. Art, it seems, can create an instant connection between the creator and the audience, and tells both that they are not alone. Well, with the crazy twist I like to put on things, I made an ambiguous piece of calligraphy, which, depending on who is looking at it, can either uplift you, or weird you the hell out.

A creature lurks in the bathroom. Brown, eight legs. If anyone other than me saw him, they would run screaming, but the creature and I have an understanding, even though he looks like he could do serious damage with one bite. It's a grass spider. And what's really odd about this scary-looking arthropod is that it looks like a brown recluse magnified three times, but its bite is probably no worse than a wasp sting. And it runs like hell when you try to get near it, I found out. But it looks menacing and so people fear it, like they fear all spiders. This is another example of how we rely so much on perception and precedence, but many things that look destructive are harmless, and other things that look like happy sunshine are probably out to deceive and most people have no idea.

On another note, watching the rain by yourself = awesomeness. Watching the rain with someone who understands rain like you do = awesomeness squared. Watching the rain with people who are scared of storms = kind of a bummer, and being forced to go inside when lightning crashes just once.