If you read the post below, my situation seemed dire. Apparently, I just needed to be patient. We moved into a house that had much lower rent, got rid of most of our worldly possessions, and started saving up money. Then Micah had a strange epiphany. All of his fears melted away. He understands that there is nothing here that is worth tying both of us down. We leave in August for the Indianapolis area, and then, world domination!

So, I’ve been dealing with some shit lately that has made me depressed. Not even depressed, more like despondent and functionally catatonic. I feel like I’m caught in a trap, of sorts. I want to go out into the big, wide world and try to make it in my chosen dream profession, which is technical theatre. I have put in the years of work. I’ve made something beautiful out of nothing. I have the skills necessary. I have made the required sacrifices. I have my degree in hand, my resume rocks, and I should be able to just go. But, no.
My poor boyfriend is scared. He’s scared about not making enough money to pay for his jeep, and losing it. He’s scared about leaving his friends behind (that’s another thing, I have no friends here in this town. They all left the nest and went out into the world without me. I’m the last one stuck here.), he’s scared about failing, as the only people he’s ever seen try to leave always come back. But, that’s the thing. The ones that come back are talentless bums. They lived on someone’s couch, expected some job to be handed to them that eventually fell through, and then came back when their money ran out. The ones that leave never come back. They get new lives and are happy. He’s only heard horror stories from the losers of this struggle.
Where this fight started was at the beginning of our relationship, three years ago. He fell in love, but I told him that I was only going to be in town for a few months. At the time, I did not care about staying to complete school, I was a good designer, and the last class I needed I could take online. I was done with school, and done with this town. Three fucking years ago! But, he didn’t want to leave, and he didn’t want me to leave him. So he made me fall in love with him. And I did. A month after our first date, I interviewed for a job at Santa Fe Opera. I was appalled to learn that most professional theatre companies only pay employees a certain amount of money a week, which is pretty small. They give the employees room and board as compensation, but that would mean that Micah would have to live on his own, in whatever town I go to work in. So I declined the job. I didn’t want to lose him. He knew he had me after that. But, as anyone who gets exactly what they wanted learns, they can stop trying after they get it. We moved into an apartment together, and pretty much right after that, he stopped showing affection to me. I called him out on it, and we got into our first fight. Nothing’s changed much, since then, except that we go through this viscous cycle of I get depressed, he hates that, confronts me about it, I tell him that it’s the same thing it’s always been, I want the hell out of here, we fight, he tells me that we just need to make plans, and save enough money, and that’s it’s so hard because we’re poor, blah blah blah blah blah. He says I’m being distant and he just wants his bubbly girlfriend back. And then he’s really really affectionate for, like, a day. And I quiet down, and stop complaining for a while, until I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy, and it starts again.
And, so, because of this, I am stuck at a stupid fast-food job, that leaves me tired all the time and with repetitive motion injuries, that does not compensate me with enough money to save up to leave. It’s not even saving up to leave. I could just leave, fill up the tank with gas, and go as soon as I have a job lined up. That doesn’t take much money, that’s just Micah trying to arm himself against his own fears. I don’t want another job in this town, especially not one that I can “make the best of” that’s just something to hold onto in fear. I don’t want to make the best of a bad situation, I don’t want to find the good in this. You want to know why? Because that’s how people become complacent. I can make the best out of any bad situation I want. I’ve done that all my life. Abusive situations, bullies, health problems, injuries, depression, being broke, being threatened, etc, etc. I’ve been through it all. But, this is what I know: when a person goes through a bad time like that, they keep looking for the end. But, because in my situation, I’m going head to head with someone’s fears, making the best of this situation will be my downfall. It will be my “oh it will happen someday I’ve just gotta keep looking up” while my boyfriend keeps trying to reassure me that we’re still young and have plenty of time. It doesn’t work that way. Being happy when there’s no reason to be happy, when being happy means being complacent, is counterproductive. It’s fake and serves no other purpose but to reassure the other person that I’ll eventually give up. I’ll get tired of bitching that I want to leave this town, and eventually settle for less. He thinks that I’ll be forever content after that to accept what little effort he gives me. That we’ll sit there and play video games all day, and then go off to our respective jobs. I’ll settle into some crappy office job. Consider my creative license to mean typing up reports and picking out accessories to go with my fitted pastel cardigan. Give our future children acting lessons and false hope for the future that they can be anything they want to be, they just have to work hard for it….
 And, so, I will stay miserable. I will stay miserable until Micah either mans up and swallows his fears, or I man up and just leave him. That’s really what I should do. I can’t have my dreams, and instead I have a man who only gives me enough incentive to stay miserable.

I caught a cold from drinking tequila after someone else. And then I almost caught my bathroom on fire with a candle and a well-placed stack of paper. In the same night. And then I made soup and painted. These are the things that make life worth living, but that sometimes I don’t have time to do.
I made another Bunny video with Ian, but the character of Ambre Sashley is almost becoming too well-defined to be in a campy drag-queen schtick. Ian ran with the “psychic-supernatural-hunter” vibe, and carved a big peppermint stick into a dagger, and gave me opportunity to reply sarcastically to his scripted inquiries with “um, Christmas Vampires?”. Holy Shit, I think I may have created a monster.
In other news, I got tired of carrying around my poetry books in my knapsack, waiting for inspiration to strike, while at the same time making it all-too-convenient to lose all my artwork and writing at once. So, my solution was to put my poetry books in a box, and fill my knapsack with blank paper and just a packet of pens, so that I can transfer everything and not have to worry about it. I think I’m more or less just worried about losing my writing again, after one book of poetry being stolen with my first backpack. I have one notebook almost full again. I just need to make more time to pour out my soul.
I think I’m going to fill my Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice time with wine and Asian food. That is, until I can find a properly fatted goose in the middle of ChickenFarmersParadise. Wait, that sentence will only make sense to people who live here. I shall just simply find a fatted goose and slaughter it. Merry Christmas To Me….

much love from the original wax-museum gangsta

I finished my sort-of-christmasey-but-won’t-be-tucked-into-the-attic kick-ass mural for the holidays. I figured out that I have a weird habit of trying to hide birds in pretty much everything I do now, somehow. Like, to the point that that might just be my tattoo motif when I start the super-saturated inking process. Micah was right, one tattoo will lead to another, to another, to sleeving my whole skin in art.
One of today’s purchases was a fingerprinting spy kit. It rocked my world, even though I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. The inkpad, I know, will be used so that Micah can complete my fingerprint page in Notebook Number Two-oh. I did that damn thing five years ago, and left spaces for reasons I could not yet foresee. Those reasons are so that there will be two sets of fingerprints, two marks of intense, seething individuality, marked onto the something something I need sleep.

Oh, and this was sort of creepy, talking about my birthdate with almost astonishing accuracy.

Leos born on July 31 are natural trendsetters who have the ability to sway others to their way of thinking. They are creative, friendly, and full of great ideas. These folks never play it safe but put themselves out on a limb at every occasion in order to prove the worthiness of their positions.

Friends and Lovers

July 31 natives like diverse friends because it gives them the chance to discover fresh points of view and life-choices. They are extravagantly romantic and are likely to have a tumultuous love life. They often seek out partners who are eccentric — another indication of their interest in novel points of view.

Children and Family

July 31 people don’t feel the need to conform to the traditions of their parents and siblings. They make liberal, but practical, parents. They’re adamant about giving their children the freedom they feel they themselves missed yet understand that children also need a firm and guiding hand.

Health

July 31 natives have great spiritual and inner strength, which has an effect on how they take care of their physical self. They don’t see mind-body-spirit as separate entities but as a synthesis that needs to be constantly maintained for maximum health and contentment.

Career and Finances

July 31 folks are highly creative and need to express their vision through their work. These aren’t people who can work all day at a job they hate or are bored with, then come home and labor over the artistic project that’s their true passion. They have to put their dreams on the line, and if that means having a tenuous financial base for a while, it’s a tradeoff they’ll make.

Dreams and Goals

July 31 natives want to succeed, but not at the price of their deepest and most profoundly held beliefs. They don’t like to make definite career plans because to do so can prevent them from taking advantage of the spontaneous choices that are bound to come along.

APPEARANCE

• [ ] I am shorter than 5’4.                
  [ ] i think im ugly most the time
  [x] I have many scars.                  
  [ ] I tan easily. 
  [x] I wish my hair was a different color.
  [ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. 
  [ ] I have a tattoo.                       
  [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
  [ ] I have/had braces.                          
  [x] I wear glasses.                              
  [ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.     
  [x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
  [ ] I have more than 2 piercings.                  
  [ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
  [x] I have freckles.
  

  
  

  FAMILY
  [ ] I’ve sworn at my parents.
  [ ] I’ve run away from home.
  [ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
  [x] My biological parents are together. 
  [ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
  [x] I want to have kids someday.      
  [ ] I’ve had children.
  [ ] I’ve lost a child. 

  SCHOOL/WORK
  [ ] I’m in school.
  [ ] I’m in college.
  [ x] I have a job. 
  [ ] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
  [x ] I almost always do my homework.
  [ ] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
  [ ] I’ve been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
  [ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
  [x ] I’ve stolen something from my job.
  [x ] I’ve been fired.

  EMBARASSMENT
  [ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
  [ x] Disney movies still make me cry.
  [ ] I’ve peed from laughing.
  [ ] I’ve snorted while laughing.
  [x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
  [x ] I’ve glued my hand to something
  [ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
  [x ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

  HEALTH
  [ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
  [x] I’ve gotten stitches.
  [ ] I’ve broken a bone.
  [ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
  [x ] I’ve sat in a doctors office with a friend.
  [ x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
  [ ] I had a serious surgery.
  [x] I’ve had chicken pox.
  [ ] I have/had asthma.

  TRAVELLING
  [x] I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
  [x] I’ve been on a plane.  
  [ ] I’ve been to Canada                                                                
  [ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
  [ ] I’ve been to Japan.
  [ ] I’ve Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
  [ ] I’ve been to Europe.      
  [ ] I’ve been to Africa.
  [ ] I’ve been to Mexico.
  

  EXPERIENCES
  [x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
  [x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
  [x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
  [x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
  [ ] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
  [ x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator
  [ ] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
  [ ] I’ve been to a casino.
  [ ] I’ve been skydiving.
  [x] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
  [x] I’ve played spin the bottle.
  [x ] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
  [ ] I’ve crashed a car.
  [ ] I’ve been Skiing
  [x ] I’ve been in a play.     
  [x ] I’ve met someone in person from the internet. 
  [x] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
  [x  ] I’ve seen the Northern Lights
  [x ] I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
  [ ] I’ve played chicken.
  [ x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
  [x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
  [x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.             
  [x ] I’ve eaten Sushi.
  [ ] I’ve been snowboarding.

  RELATIONSHIPS
  [ ] I’m single
  [ ] I’m in a relationship.
  [x ] I’m engaged.
  [ ] I’m married.
  [x ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
  [x ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper. 
  [ x] I miss someone right now.
  [x ] I have a fear of abandonment.
  [ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
  [ ] I’ve gotten divorced
  [x ] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
  [ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
  [x ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
  [ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

  SEXUALITY
  [ x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex. 
  [ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
  [x] I am a cuddler.
  [x ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
  [ x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
  [ x ] I have kissed a stranger.

  HONESTY
  [x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
  [x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
  [x ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
  [ x ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
  [x] I am keeping a secret from the world
  [ ] I’ve cheated while playing a game. 
  [  ] I’ve cheated on a test.
  [ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

  BAD TIMES
  [x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
  [ x] I regularly drink.
  [ ] I can’t swallow pills.
  [ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
  [x ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
  [x] I shut others out when I’m depressed.
  [ ] I take anti-depressants.
  [ ] I’m anorexic or bulimic.                
  [x ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
  [x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
  [ ] I’m addicted to self harm. 
  [ x] I’ve woken up crying.

  DEATH
  [ ] I’m afraid of dying.
  [ x] I hate funerals.
  [x] I’ve seen someone dying.
  [x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide. 
  [ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.

  MATERIALISM
  [ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
  [x ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
  [x ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
  [ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
  [x] I own something from Hot Topic.
  [ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
  [x ] I collect comic books.
  [ ] I own something from The Gap.
  [ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
  [ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

  RANDOM
  [ ] I can’t sing well.    
  [ ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
  [ ] I open up to others easily.
  [x ] I watch the news.
  [x ] I don’t kill bugs.
  [x ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
  [x ] I curse regularly.
  [ x] I sing in the shower.
  [x ] I’m not a morning person.
  [ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
  [x ] I’m a snob about grammar
  [ ] I am a sports fanatic.
  [x ] I twirl my hair
  [ ] I have “x”s in my screen name
  [x] I love being neat
  [ ] I love Spam 
  [x ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day
  [x] I bake well. 
  [  ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
  [ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
  [ ] I like Martha Stewart.
  [x ] I know how to shoot a gun.
  [ ] I am in love with love.
  [x ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
  [ ] I laugh at my own jokes.
  [x] I eat fast food weekly.
  [x ] I believe in ghosts.
  [ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message. (sidekick!)
  [x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
  [ ] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
  [ x] I am really ticklish.
  [x ] I love white chocolate
  [ ] I bite my nails.
  [  ] I play video games
  [x ] I’m good at remembering faces.
  [x ] I’m good at remembering names
  [x] I’m good at remembering dates.
  [ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
  [x] My answers are honest
  

Should I move, or stay here?

	The Relationship spread provides insight into the interaction between two people or entities. It is the spread of choice for questions about partnerships, be they in romance or business. The Curious Tarot is the rarest and most unusual of modern decks. The cards form a surreal collage of American consumer imagery, eerily capturing the archetypes of the atomic age. It is the deck of those who seek to harness the ancient tribal energy that courses through the modern urban world. There are only 100 Curious Tarot decks in existence – if you want one, buy it now!
	The significator, not shown is the card you have chosen to embody your presence and the focus of the reading. The Magician: Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one’s life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies.
	The card at the top left represents how you see yourself. Knight of Swords: The essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado: A fearless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or material concerns. One able to boldly take on challenges that others consider terrifying or insurmountable. A person who inspires fear and awe through the purity of their purpose and the intensity of their intellect. Speaking frankly, in an outspoken manner, and with great influence. May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of a conflict, through the decisive invocation of force.
	The card at the top right represents how you see your partner. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will.
	The card in the center left represents how you feel about your partner. King of Pentacles, when reversed: The dark essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: An unyielding businessman, with a gift for identifying weakness and exploiting it for personal gain. One well informed about material affairs, but ignorant of larger, more pressing issues. A blind devotee of business as usual, unconcerned with the unintended results, and contemptuous of new ideas. A person full of greed and avarice, easily corrupted by luxury or the temptations of the flesh.
	The card in the center right represents what stands between you and your partner. Justice, when reversed: Lack of balance, harmony and integrity. The suspension of action until a decision is made. Lawsuits and prosecutions. Unjust decisions and the consequences of those decisions. A turn for the worse in legal matters.
	The card in the lower left represents how your partner sees you. The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.
	The card in the lower right represents what your partner feels about you. Judgement: A swift and conclusive decision. The resolution of a matter long unanswered. A change in point of view, most frequently towards greater enlightenment. Final balancing of karma.
	The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. The Fool: Fearlessness, imagination, open-mindedness, and an adventurous spirit. Freedom from cares and worries. Ideas, thoughts, and impulses coming from a completely unexpected place. Nonchalance at the threshold of gaining all or losing all. Extravagance and intoxication with life. The pure and undifferentiated power of creation itself, where ultimate knowledge and oblivion are unified.

Because you replace the intangible with the tangible. You have no interest in looking for the secret to life, you merely exist. You only look on the surface. You replace love with looking pretty. You have no interests in anything but guns, bitches, and bling. You exist only from song lyric to song lyric. You are addicted to drama, because that’s the only thin that you think will cure the blinding silence in your brain. But, the strange thing is, the one thing that will make you happy, will only come to you when you put down the things that you merely think will make you happy. Step away from the camera, the credit card, the crowds, the parties, your own mirror, your stupid friends. Look inside yourself, center, and move past this.

one. will you answer every question honestly?
If I embellish, it will only to make the story more interesting.

two. have you ever stayed up all night while drunk or high?
Many many times. I usually passed out after sunrise, though.

three. have you ever punched anyone in the face?
Never punched, that I can remember, I’ve slapped a few bitches, though.

four. do you miss anything or anyone?
Maybe my sister, only because it took us going through individual hells to get to where we could share an awesome sisterly link again. I have all the things that I need, and Micah is just a couple miles away making roast beef sandwiches and I will be walking him home tonight.

five. what makes you laugh no matter what?
Goofy dancing. I can’t help it, if someone is making a fool of themselves for my benefit, I have to giggle.

six. have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past five hours?
Yeah, just before he left for work.

seven. who was the last person you talked to?
Myself. It’s a habit I need to break again. Maybe I talked to the bagel a little, but mostly to myself.

eight. what do you dislike at the moment?
I dislike a lot of things, but they are mostly philosophical in nature. Greed, hatred, misunderstanding, ignorance, selfishness, fast food places taking advantage of Catholics. Catholics priests taking advantage of alter boys.

HARDER
one. do you get butterflies around the guy you like?
Only when our hearts touch. It sounds really schmaltzy, but when our hearts line up, when we hug, kiss or cuddle, I feel the fluttering. I say it makes my heart shine, Micah says that’s physically impossible. Blah to him and his scientific thought.

two. do you think it is bad to have sex at your age?
I’m almost twenty-seven. If people my age weren’t having sex, there would be no new generation.

three. will you get married?
Yes. In Scotland, in a dress I made myself, with only the highland ocean waves to be our witnesses.

four. will you be having sex in the near future?
Tonight if it storms, or tomorrow if we have the evening free.

five. do you lie about your age?
People believe that I’m lying about my age, as I look younger than I am, and still act happy and bubbly, as if I haven’t been worn down by time. If mental distress is what ages you, I plan on staying forever young.

VERY PERSONAL.
one. if you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom?
There’s no reason to, a condom would be unnecessary.

two. are you happy with yourself?
I’ve had a pretty productive day, so yeah.

three. would you change yourself for the person you love?
I only evolve for me and for the sake of my happiness. I have grown up over the course of my relationship with the man I’m in love with, but I didn’t change for him, the change was just organic.

four. what do you tell yourself when times get hard?
That this is all a lesson from the universe, and there is a reason why everything sucks. I’m usually right.

SECRETS
one. when did you last cry?
It’s been a while. That used to be my favorite release. I don’t really have any reasons to cry.

two. do you believe religion exists?
If one exists, they all exist. The sky is full of forgotten deities.

three. when was the last time you fell asleep with a guy?
This morning.

four. what is the last lie you told your parents?
I lied about the reason why Micah wasn’t coming down this weekend, as he’s rather freaked out by my mom’s craziness.

five. did you ever wish a close friend to death?
Only in joking.

six. has a guy ever seriously punched you more than once?
In second grade, some dumbass kid was mad that I was taller than him, and kept punching me for a week until the teacher caught him.

seven. have you ever made out until you ran out of breath?
So many times. Kissing is more important than breathing.

eight. do you think you were ever in love?
Ever? I’m in love now!

SHOCKING.
one. have you ever dated your friend’s ex?
Never a friend’s ex, but I’ve been on dates with guys that a friend was into, but told me after the fact. That doesn’t count, though, and is hardly an issue now.

two. have you done bad things with your parents near by?
I’ve shown up drunk and high at the house, masturbated in my parents bed, burned countless things in the backyard, cut and burned myself, had phone sex and real sex in my old bedroom.

three. have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?
Not that anyone would have ever believed, they knew I was just being funny.

four. did you ever fail the school year?
It took me seven years to graduate college, and I was put on academic probation one semester, but I’ve never “failed” a whole school year.

five. have you ever done hallucinogenic drugs?
One time I did shrooms. It didn’t affect me like it did the others. I just felt dizzy.

six. have you ever been too drunk to remember a certain night?
I tend to remember moments better when I’m drunk, as it lets me focus, as strange as that sounds. When sober, there are too many thoughts racing just below and above the prevailing thought. When intoxicated, I can finally find my own brain and deal with shit.

seven. do you think your future will be a good one?
It might be hard, my future, but it will be exciting, and that is what I am looking forward to.

The world’s gone fucking insane. I found a fluorescent light bulb stuck up its ass yesterday and it wouldn’t tell me how it got there.